I would like to semi-publicly thank you for attending my grandparents memorials. Without you, distant neighbors and quasi-acquaintances, we never could have had the opportunity to take our minds off of our grief due to your ridiculous toe-stepping, inappropriate comment making and bullshittery! Honestly, though you are a burden to the human race in general, we are happy to feed your gaping maws with lovely food and drink while we carefully listen to your long-winded insincerity during our time of sadness.
Oh! And thank you for your forethought! It’s so good to see that you are comfortable enough to push aside our carefully crafted displays and photos honoring our loved ones in order to front and center your Walmart scatter of thoughtless garbage! Nothing is more precious than you doing so well after the ceremony has started, either! There’s nothing better than being late to a funeral. Too bad it wasn’t your own! Ha!
Let us not forget you, giant windbag! It matters not that you simply were never liked by either of the people you so gracelessly memorialized, only that you knew them so well and loved them SO MUCH that your bubbling lips could not manage to pronounce either grandmother’s first name or our surname! Oh a surname? It means LAST NAME. It must have been your grief talking. Your grief talks a LOT. It sure liked discussing you for 27 minutes of your 30 minute ode. Your wonderful and heartfelt words resonated with us all…calling my grandmother a “hottie” in her younger days definitely resonated with my father and I. We cannot thank you enough for drying our tears instantly when you said it! Dad and I have never been closer as our heads snapped from you to one another and our eyes met in simultaneous double rage! Oh, us ”Swaggers”. Silent assassins, we are, thus your inability to read the social cues we were shooting you so that you could live long enough to exit the room on your own accord! We sure do thank you for saving us the jail sentence! Also, calling me “Mindy” and my mother “Joan”, was just the icing on your giant fat motherfucker of a clueless cake. Thank you!
Certainly you folks that asked me for details about the exact cause of my grandmother’s death have a special place in my heart, and thanks to the grace she taught me, I merely dreamed about another place in time when she was alive while you asked me if she “suffocated”. You are older than shit, though, so you do get a pass. I guess social graces escape some as they age. Particularly appreciative of your apology when I began to cry. Thank you!
I would certainly like to point out that out of the many who were so amazing, there were only a few of you that stood out as completely heartless and overabundantly socially retarded. But for the few, thank you for taking the opportunity to utilize the beautiful setting honoring amazing people you didn’t have the pleasure of knowing or loving to take shit-eating grin photos of yourselves with my grief stricken family members and posting them on Facebook! That, distant non-relative, is the gift that just tops all…especially your corresponding Facebook comment that stated you knew that said family member ”had a lot on her mind” and that she must have “forgotten to smile”. She’s so silly! Why wouldn’t she be smiling? So weird!
So, in closing…I know that anger is one of the stages of grief so for forcing that stage forth I thank you! However, all thanks go to my grandmother for her gentle strength and grace, my grandfather for his hair trigger temper and high standard of decency, my father for his outstanding ability to be awesome and intimidating simultaneously, my mother for being a saint on earth, and my aunt for wanting to make everyone happy all of the time, even at her own peril. Because of my love for them and all of the things they have instilled in me, you get to walk away with nary a scratch! Simply a blog post in order to vent, and carefully hidden from those it would disappoint, from my heart to the eyes of those bored enough to read it.
Thanks again for coming!